Late Night Thoughts

Well it's been a long while since I did any blogging but here I sit at 3:33 in the morning feeling the need to talk & not wanting to bother anyone.  Have you ever had days you just wish had never happened.  I find myself saying I don't give a shit what people think but it's so untrue.  Every time I have much interaction with people I find myself regretting most of what I've done & said & beating myself up about it - how stupid is that.  I either need to own it or at least just get over it.  It's funny had you can have such good periods in your life & then bad ones & as you get older it's harder to overcome the bad ones - you know you need to make changes whether it's your weight your living situation but you just don't have the energy or the drive to do it anymore - maybe that's what depression is really about  - not so much anything other than just the complete lack of caring enough about yourself to do anything to make your life better.  I think I've been scared most of my life of mainly just life in general & not really knowing how to be happy & contented.  I remember a small period of my life when I felt very good & satisfied & proud of myself but I wasn't able to maintain it for very long - at least I'm glad to have that to be able to look back on.  Right now I just kinda feel like I"m at a point in my life where I'm just waiting to die & not wanting to die & basically being scared about it - I guess that means I don't think I have the ability to live life much now.  What a waste - I've lived such a small life maybe not really knowing how to do much more not really knowing how to love or be loved - not sure if I feel sorry for myself or just sorry about myself if that makes any sense.  I think one thing I've learned is that if you are very intelligent  you make issues worse than they need to be because you over think them - I think the ignorance is bliss idea is not a bad thing.  I'm sorry this is so dark but it made me feel better writing it & reading it - basically purging - well once I get thru the night have some rest & time passes I will start to forget what is making me feel bad now & it life will go on.

Spring Day

The sun is shinning it's 43 & I saw my first robin of the season yesterday.  I've come to enjoy Spring didn't use to but now I do as it's a sign of the end of Winter, I enjoy seeing the flowers bloom & hoping we won't have any more snow for this season.  While summer is nice at times it's too hot for me & means I end up spending time inside to avoid the heat something I dislike doing, seems like if it's not snowing & winter one should be able to be outside.  So Spring & Fall have become my favorite times especially Fall have always loved it reminds me of fun times as a kid.  Halloween; trick or treating; Thanksgiving I've always found enjoyable & without the expectations of Christmas.   Easter will be here before long I used to love Easter also always got a new "outfit" when I was a kid but since my Father died closed to Easter as did my mother-in-law it has lost a lot of it's charm & has become more of a time of missing those that have meant a lot to me in my life.  Besides having grandsons one doesn't have a little girl to buy a dress for although my oldest grandson is a clothes hound he loves new clothes which is enjoyable.  This year he wanted a ping pong table & baseball stuff & younger grandson needed a new guitar which means I'll not need to shop anymore for Easter other than a little candy I mean one has to have a chocolate bunny for Easter.

I've been thinking I might do some rambling about some of the interesting things that happened to me when I was younger I kinda of had some rather different experiences.  It seems like I always attracted weirdo's & wackos.  It seemed at one point in my life it seemed like every weirdo in Morgantown felt it necessary to expose themselves to me whether it was walking the kids down the street or doing my laundry or hitch hiking a ride to work (that wasn't a strange thing to do yrs ago) they somehow felt I was the one that needed to see what they had to offer, LMAO   So just a hint of some of my "interesting" stories. 

Ramblings of my mind

Well I'm not really a very eliquient rambler nor a very good speller it seems.  All I know is I've lived a while & am always leaning new things like life can hit you in the gut when you least expect it that people you have know for years & even lived with for years can turn out to be not what you thought at all.  You can figure people out you don't know well a lot better than ones you do.  Just when you think you have settled in for the golden years they can really end up with a rotten spot just like a piece of fruit.  Hopefully I can think of some things worth talking about at some point but for now just a short ramble & a shout out to the sun peering out & maybe an early Spring!!!