Late Night Thoughts

Well it's been a long while since I did any blogging but here I sit at 3:33 in the morning feeling the need to talk & not wanting to bother anyone.  Have you ever had days you just wish had never happened.  I find myself saying I don't give a shit what people think but it's so untrue.  Every time I have much interaction with people I find myself regretting most of what I've done & said & beating myself up about it - how stupid is that.  I either need to own it or at least just get over it.  It's funny had you can have such good periods in your life & then bad ones & as you get older it's harder to overcome the bad ones - you know you need to make changes whether it's your weight your living situation but you just don't have the energy or the drive to do it anymore - maybe that's what depression is really about  - not so much anything other than just the complete lack of caring enough about yourself to do anything to make your life better.  I think I've been scared most of my life of mainly just life in general & not really knowing how to be happy & contented.  I remember a small period of my life when I felt very good & satisfied & proud of myself but I wasn't able to maintain it for very long - at least I'm glad to have that to be able to look back on.  Right now I just kinda feel like I"m at a point in my life where I'm just waiting to die & not wanting to die & basically being scared about it - I guess that means I don't think I have the ability to live life much now.  What a waste - I've lived such a small life maybe not really knowing how to do much more not really knowing how to love or be loved - not sure if I feel sorry for myself or just sorry about myself if that makes any sense.  I think one thing I've learned is that if you are very intelligent  you make issues worse than they need to be because you over think them - I think the ignorance is bliss idea is not a bad thing.  I'm sorry this is so dark but it made me feel better writing it & reading it - basically purging - well once I get thru the night have some rest & time passes I will start to forget what is making me feel bad now & it life will go on.